Rerun

there are two states of man: love and a call for love. it is with the latter that requires more bravery.

- from Everwood

some people may say i am brave, some may say i'm pathetic. either way, i don't know how to stop myself from waiting for some sort of miracle. i hear it happens everyday. in millions maybe. without any of us even noticing it. did we, ever?

my friend told me it's so infuriating to think that some men have 2, 3, maybe even 4 women all at the same time. he says he's not asking for 2 or 3 or 4. he wants just one. just one...

if i can't have the one i truly love, can he have his, instead? one of us is bound to get hurt, so they say. i think that's a load of crap. two of us is bound to be genuinely and truly happy. and if other miracles happen at the same time, 2 is such a small number.

how can i be so sure there is one who will truly love me, you ask. i say, because i know i can. truly love another. and how many people are there in the world? there must be at least one for each of us. but i'm not asking for 2 or 3 or 4. like my friend, i want just one. just one...

the chances are miniscule, said hugh grant. well, miniscule doesn't diminish the fact that there is a chance.

forgive me but i am as bound to hope as much as i am bound to my breathing. and love, i don't ask anything of you. i just wish you are genuinely happy. and i've been praying that you are truly loved. i am specifically waiting for that miracle.

some people may say i am brave, some may say i'm pathetic. either way, i don't know how to stop myself from waiting for some sort of miracle. i hear it happens everyday. may we all have eyes to see it all more clearly this coming year.

4 weddings and a slow death.

what a year it has been...may we all face the coming year with our head high and our spirits--higher. most bad things never last. and, with faith, hope, and love, some good things never fade.

"vulnerable"

I won't cry anymore, now that you've left me
I won't cry anymore, now that you're gone
I've shed a million tears since we're apart
But tears can never mend a broken heart

I won't sigh anymore, I'll just forget you
And I'm closing the door of memories
Though you're the one love that my arms are longin' for
This is goodbye, I won't cry anymore

- Marvin Gaye

unexpected sidewalk comfort

i just came out of the church. saw a very old (but still agile) man looking at me as i was walking towards him. could not discern his facial expression at first. suddenly, as i walk past him, he said,

"ang lungkot ng christmas natin, neng."

i paused. then looked back. and smiled. he was smiling at me.

"oo nga po, eh."

"ay talaga namang ang hirap ngayon..."

''gaganda din yan manong kasi pangit ngayon."

"dadating din...oo, tiis lang."

"hintay lang tayo manong."

hintay lang tayo, manong. salamat po.

WHENEVER YOU FEEL LOST... THIS IS THE POEM

In This Moment

In this moment,this precious, eternal
twinkling of an eye,
rests all of Heaven
waiting only for you to realize.
If you were meant to be someplace other than
where you are right now, this moment, you would be there now…

Instead, you are here- now.

How simple it all is-
this play of consciousness.
You are the storyteller, pen in hand,
you are the pages waiting to be filled,
you are casting yourself as the main character,
you have written the ending before ever beginning.

The road you are on is the right road.
If it were not, you would be traveling another.
Once you are silent and still and accept being here-
now,you are free to take any road you wish.

from the pages of Isiah knows nothing

una canción desesperada

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos".

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oir la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.

De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

-Pablo Neruda

what is so great about love? i can never explain. but reading this poem again makes me certain-- love does transcend language.

if only i knew how that can be done...

almost, but not quite

i almost forgot what it's like to feel alive again. i almost forgot what it was i strongly believed in coming back here in the city where i've now spent most of my life in. i almost forgot most of the things in my life that are really worth living for. i almost forgot to keep holding on to my faith. i almost forgot about the only person who can really make me happy. and i almost forgot to take care for her. most of all, i almost forgot to dream.

i almost gave in to a gnawing disappointment. and i almost gave up. i'm not about to let that happen again.

they say in these situations, one can never have a graceful exit. let me prove you otherwise.

i don't know where i'm going. but i'm on my way. for all we know, i'm there all ready. almost.

just you wait. just you wait.

in a state of "emotional drunkenness"

(as jhera puts it)

"you don't have to think about love-- either you feel it or you don't."

For the Weary and For I

When the day is long
and the night,
the night is yours alone,
When you’re sure you’ve had enough
of this life,
well hang on

Don’t let yourself go,
everybody cries
and everybody hurts
sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong.
now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone,
hold on, hold on
If you feel like letting go, hold on
When you think you’ve had too much
of this life, well hang on

’cause everybody hurts.
take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts*.

don’t throw your hand. oh, no.
don’t throw your hand
If you feel like you’re alone, no, no,
no, you are not alone

If you’re on your own
in this life,
the days and nights are long,
When you think you’ve had too much
of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts
sometimes,
Everybody cries.
and everybody hurts sometimes.
so, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts.

no, you are not alone

i'm ok. you're ok. May the good things always outweigh the bad
Thank you, Lord. and the best things? They're worth the wait...

sing-all-you-can at iO (la,la,la...)

ever since i got back from iloilo, my videoke life rose from the dead. it's been 4 months and i have been to 3 different io ktv rooms namely, jamie rivera, gary valenciano, and sideA, more than 4 times. that's more than once a month of singing my lungs out.

last night's videoke was among my top3. sing-all-you can til 3am for 156.50 per head. my friends and i got there about 9pm hehehe sabik!

i don't really know what makes a videoke gimik fun. it doesn't really come with the songs or the company. but i'm pretty sure, really wanting to sing together makes all the difference.

last night, we covered about 3 decades of music, started with kylie, and ended with kylie. favorites performances for the night were, surprisingly, saving all my love for you, boys don't cry (complete with synchronized boys-don't-cry dance hehehehe sumakit tyan ko kakatawa), i should be so lucky, and can't get you off my mind. walang locomotion. awww heehee

it's amusing to think that the songs i/we sing differ with each group. except for staple songs like saving all my love for you, every selection is different, every repertoire is different. how come you can be the same person and yet, be different in different companies? which one are you really? wala lang...hehe

had a terrific time last night. lalala...lalalala...c'mon, sing with me! lalala...

"humble me"

Is it true you have someone keeping you company?

What do you say
When its all gone away?
Baby i didn't meant to hurt you
Truth spoke in whispers will tear you apart
No matter how hard you resist it
It never rains when you want it to

You humble me Lord
Humble me Lord
I'm on me knees empty
You humble me Lord
You humble me Lord
Please, please, please forgive me

by Norah Jones
from Humble Me, discover the lyrics you love

of love and orgasms

now that we've grown older, my friends and i never shy away from any topic and we always come back to the only problem we'd like to face head on: LOVE.

is this it? how do i know? am i, really? what am i to do?, as far as i know, are the typical questions worth asking and worthy of a long e-mail.

i always say, love is like an orgasm. you just know that's it. if you're a teeny bit unsure, chances are, that's not it.

told one of my friends who is a relationship newbie that it's so easy to fall and be in love but it's not easy to have a good relationship. you have to build on trust and respect and friendship. and oh yeah, faith, hope, and love. have realized that the foundation of your relationship shouldn't be that wonderful moment when, finally, you've found yourselves kissing by the doorway and can't seem to stop and can't have enough of each other. moments come and go. there has to be something more between you and the one you love like devotion and acceptance. moments shouldn't be the reason for being there and staying there, i think. the words stay and fleeting really don't go together.

i have yet to find the one and stop making the mistakes i've made.

i told my friend, and i'm pretty sure, the one is not based on feeling alone. the one is based on choice and is, and always be, a choice.

choose wisely and with your heart. you can't go wrong.

inggitera

new photos have been uploaded to the blog of a photographer named sarah. i must admit, inggit talaga ako. heehee inggitera!

dunno why am not making any artworks lately. last photos i took was when i was in boracay in april. and as far as i know, aside from the noticeable improvement in taking informal portraits of the friends i was with, i only got one good photo (to be uploaded very soon. i finished a roll of film for the 10-minute spectacular sunset and i just a good 1 hmpf).

bakit ba kapag nakakagawa ako ng magandang drawing o painting, nadadagit kaagad? (paging peng with my 1st watercolor painting! hehe i'm sorry rick, there's no other way to say what i feel except in filipino)

which works do i still have with me? still have my 1st oil painting on paper. still have my only 2 good b&w photos (which are already fading btw. ambilis ko kasi magprint dati hmpf) . and dozens of photos from the studio i worked in.

and alas, my only breathtaking nude drawing isn't with me anymore. haaay...

looking for something

"You've got to have a dream; if you don't have a dream, how can any dream come true."

quote from the blog of a fellow tiny sleepy head/procrastinator/frustrated musician/dreamer/photographer. we're not tiny, we're petite! hehe got to her blog by accident. was looking for another girl with the same surname as hers.

am occassionally disturbed by the pungent smell of a boy in the next terminal. am trying very hard to just shake it off. too bad i just couldn't access the web at home for weeks.

ask me: what's the score?
i'll say: what's the game?

they say love is a game. but you don't have to let it play you.

relieved to end my two-week misery and restlessness (which i don't like to elaborate). and am proud to say am back to my usual sunny disposition regardless of the weather (may bagyo dito sa pilipinas ngayon, pero ulan lang sa metro manila).

was looking hard and high for something to make me feel better. a good conversation with a friend was all i needed. thanks for putting up with me! heehee i know there's more to come but knowing i can confidently say "bring it on," again, is enough not to make me worry about what to do. whatever question there is, the answer usually is: to wait a little bit more.

i was smiling when i fell asleep.

and here i am, at a cheap-but-worth-it internet and gaming station walking distance from the apartment, listening to my station at launchcast (wuhooo), and getting inspiration from someone i've never even met. and, even when it's uncharacteristic of me, i left a comment at her blog.

it's been a nice day...

grow out silly thing

if we outgrow some things in our lives, are we growing?

it's sounds funny now that i've written it down. hehe
well, when you think about it, really, doesn't it make you feel older to know that you've stopped drinking anytime, anywhere or, that you can't just go from tagaytay to antipolo to angeles city, pampanga on a whim. neither can you do a countless other things.

sometimes, you still crave to do these things but it's alright if you don't and if you can't. heard the comment "do you have a life?" often, these days. what is living to you anyway?

i grew up not wanting to play video games. probably wasn't very good at it. but just before i graduated from college, got acquainted with the play station. it's a wonderful thing. got silly playing non-stop for a year, maybe even two. then stopped. last year, i discovered pc games like pharaoh and warcraft and ragnarok. got silly again to the point of neglect. sometime, during a summer catastrophe called a heartbreak, i vowed not to play again. now, i'm blogging. and am addicted to my station at launchcast. is there a difference?

do we really outgrow some silly things in our lives? or do we find other things less silly and pronounce it more appropriate for our age and pass off as mature?

do we really outgrow some silly things in our lives? if we do, are we growing? if we do, are we happier? and if we don't, then what?

do we have to outgrow some silly things in our lives? if we don't, do our lives outgrow us?

love, certainly, you've outgrown me...

these places

the answer must be in the attempt

-celine
before sunrise

was able to get a copy of before sunrise.

and i wondered about, and remembered, the places i've been to before. they never stayed the same.

used to sleep over at wendy's q.ave, now, it's gone. jollibee took its place. where burger machine was, now stands an extension of the road. dc diner is gone as well as brownies fastfood in pasay road (where we set a trash can on fire). select along commonwealth now has tables and chairs. select north expressway is now filled w/ several esatblishments. the wall we sat in at sunrise in antipolo is now a complete building. the roads change. the houses change. taal volcano is still there but taal vista hotel has been renovated. is it really still there?

i wonder what baguio will look like this christmas...

we go to these places and we are never the same. we leave it and it's never the same. and at some point of feeling lost, we try to go back and see, if we ever left a trace of ourselves there and realize, like the way we are, it's empty. we go to other places and create another memory but the same thing happens all over again. we go to these places and we are never the same. we leave it and it's never the same.

is love just one of these places?

reunited

i'd rather be alone and not feel lonely
than to be with a lover and feel a thousand miles away

-celine
before sunset

got reunited.
with jesse and celine. two of my most favorite characters in the whole movie world.
the sequel to my all-time favorite movie (which i only saw once! and a vhs copy at that!) just came out to philippine theaters last week.

"before sunrise" came out in 95. i saw it with some of my friends at one of dembuds's house. unfortunately, only one other friend liked it :(

back in 94, i got interested in film for the first time. "before sunrise" convinced me that i really wanted to become a director and make movies like it. watching "before sunset" last week convinced me that, yes, i would still want to make movies like it, and maybe, just maybe, i really want to be a writer. 9 years later.

"what would you do if you got a second chance with the one who got away?"

for some reasons, i tuned-in to ASAP mania yesterday while working overtime at home so as not to drown in heaps of questionnaires on tuesday. at some point of staying on the same channel and not really paying attention to it, they paid a tribute to george canseco, one of the most celebrated Filipino composers and, as a revelation, my next fave to odette quesada. his music were made popular by basil valdez, one of my sister's faves, and sharon cuneta. i must admit, am a sharonian hehe

and so, gary v., zsa zsa padilla, kuh ledesma, martin nievera, rico j. and piolo (what the hell is he doing in this group?!) sang george canseco's songs, with a special appearance by basil valdez himself :D

to give you a taste of kundiman lyric about unrequited love, here's some from ngayon and ngayon at kailanman.

Ituring mong kahapo'y waring panaginip lang
Ang bukas, pangitain n'yang ganda'y sa isip lang,
Kung bawat ngayon mo sa 'yo ay (laging) sulit lang
Kayganda ng buhay ngayon

Sa bawat araw ang pag-ibig ko sa 'yo liyag
Lalong tumatamis, tumitingkad
Bawat kahapon ay daig nitong bawat ngayon
Na daig ng bawat bukas

bawat kahapon ay daig nitong ngayon, na daig ng bawat bukas...

ketchup

i'm waiting to start.

teaching again. in the meantime, am working at sws as a decoder for one of their survey projects. in layman's terms, i make d' codes hehehe for open-ended questions such as "what is your favorite blog?" one can get several answers and so, to make data processing easy, i assign codes to each unique answer i.e. "life is waiting" - 0001, "afternoons" - 0002, so on and so forth.

i have 6000 questionnaires to look at. and at least 4 Q#s to code.

i have it easy during the day but by the time the night shift people come to encode (they code-in the d' codes i made hehe), they wait for each questionnaire i code.

i guess even if you don't pause for a stop, even if you get a headstart, and even if you move faster, things will always catch up on you. as they should.

what i did on peng's birthday

woke up early to chat with my friend, peng, and didn't stop until it was 12mn in boston so i can finally greet her a happy birthday. hehe hapi-hapi pre!

spent the whole afternoon loitering then facing the pc for my sister's sticker logo. she bakes the most delicious chocolate cake i've ever tasted. coined a brand name for her (kitchen's heaven) while roomies thought of the product names (choco-heaven cake, heavenly bites , pieces of heaven ). my sister's fave though, is the tagline: piece be with you! hehehehe finished by nighttime

thank God for the saturday night trio. it used to be 7th heaven, boston public, then america's next top model. now, gilmore girls are back! yehey yehey have an additional something to look forward to within the week. if there's a good movie after, it'll be quadruple! wuw

kinda miss having a tv inside my room with cable hehe
kinda miss hearing beautiful songs, old and new, favorites or never-been-heard-before ones

and so, gilmore girls is a welcome addition to my day. it's sure to give good songs, good conversations, good company.

last night, the song i noticed was from boston public towards the end scene. the line "if i leave you, it doesn't mean i love you any less" seemed to jump out of the song. got the lyrics...hmmm...nice song...

Lyrics for Warren Zevon - Keep Me In Your Heart

Shadows are falling, and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for a while
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for a while
When you get up in the morning, and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for a while
There's a train leaving nightly, called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for a while

Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile
You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Keep me in your heart for a while

Hold me in your thoughts
Take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next you