weird, creepy, or just plain fatal attraction?

a thought occurred to me yesterday. i have no unfinished business, with anyone or with myself. i can die anytime and i can die happy and contented.

or so i thought.

just then, i realized i wanted to do something ridiculous. someone i have been wanting to meet with (in my dreams hehe) is just 6 e-mail adds away. i have yet to unlock the names database.

today, i did.

that someone is now an e-mail away. which brings me to my present predicament:

what do i write? heehee

what's with the magic 3?

i say

on your first, you learn you're good enough to be loved...

for your second, you actually want to be better...

with your last love, you are at your best.

you know what fate is? it's building a bridge of chance for the one you love

- My Sassy Girl, 2001


First, don't ask her to be feminine.

Second, don't let her drink more than three glasses.
She'll hit someone.

If she hits you, act like it hurts.
If it hurts, act like it doesn't.

Also, be prepared to go to prison sometimes.

At a cafe, order coffee. not coke or juice.

If her feet hurts, exchange shoes with her.

On your 100th day, bring her a rose in her class.
She'll like it.

Finally, she loves to write.
Encourage her.

kahit anong sitwasyon ka man ilagay, kahit saang lugar, kahit sino man ang kasama mo, o kahit wala ni isa, kung masaya ka talaga, masaya ka talaga.

what could be worse? a long-distance e-mail for celeste

what could be worse than a long-distance relationship? a long-distance break-up.

and all break-ups are ugly. as james ingram puts it, there's no easy way. be it sex-and-the-city post-it kind, a long-letter kind, it's-not-you-it's-me kind, or the e-mail kind. one of my college friends got an e-mail. all she could ask us was, iyak na lang ako?

oo, pre. iyak mo na muna yan. cry as long as it takes. but remember, you'll stop crying sooner or later. dedma na sa later as long as you know you will stop crying. i guess right now, for you there seems to be no consolation...

i've just been through one myself, you see. and i remember crying for two months straight until the tears dried out. it's been almost a year since and when you think about it, logically, i'm not better-off. i still don't have a job, i've been a drifter welcoming all invites for a sleepover (one can say i've been sleeping around! hehe) and so, i'm homeless and penniless. and yes, maybe i've gone a bit crazy.

but i am not alone and i am not hopeless. and certainly, i haven't lost myself. tragic as it may seem, the truth is, i am serenely happy. i don't know how or why it happened. all i know is that, by some miracle, i have never been better and in an absurd way, i've learned how to love the most that i can, so far.

i wish you the same kind of miracle. to know in your gut that you will be all right, to feel that you are not hope-less, to realize that you still have the other things that also matter the most-- your family, your friends, and your self-- and to be able to let go. live to love another another day. because, let's face it, we just don't die of a broken heart.

hang in there. i'm sure you know i'm not the only one who is more than willing to listen or to do whatever i can. i hope that thought in itself is enough to make you feel (even the slightest) better.

just think, when this chapter of your life ends, everything else will be a walk in the park. what could be worse than that? ;)

exchanging i don'ts

having another sex and city hangover...

an old couple are arguing about the subway. miranda and steve stopped drinking their beers to listen.

for the future, i don't want to become that
ok, i don't want you to worry about becoming that
ok, i won't. anything else we don't want?
yeah. yeah, i don't want you paying for these beers
i'm serious. your turn
ok, i don't want to be your mother
i don't want to slack off like i used to
i don't want you to be so moody
i don't want to lose you again
even if i screw up all the other stuff
that's the one that matters
i don't want to lose you either
will you marry me?
hell, yeah!

"some couples have to say their i don'ts before they can ever imagine saying their i do's."

of conquering europe and great loves

meeting at powerbooks. which one? hehe we got separated into 2 groups. G3 and G4. hehehe ate lunch at chili's. talking non-stop. coffee bean and tea leaf. still talking non-stop. watch sex and the city in the flesh. everyone stopped to listen whenever a term was given more emphasis than others. hehe

one of us is going back to slovakia the day after and is on a mission to finally get some vikings when she gets there. one more and she has a soccer team.

quote of the day: sige na nga! sige na, sige na! hehehe

our other friend needs one more to get a basketball team.

what seems to be so amazing about real friends is that when you do get together after a long time, it still feels as if you were together the day before but with lots to talk about, covering a year of being apart.

it's really probably time to talk about great loves. at our age. we say, if peng gets married, we're all in trouble and we'll all be in panic. she used to be just watching in the bleachers but now, she's sprinting ahead most of us. hehe

so thrilled about a boracay trip this year. peng, uwi ka ng december for a very good reason!!! well... that's an understatement. hehe can't wait! what to wear?! what to wear?! hehe finally, one of us is losing the bet but winning all the way.

some of us get lucky. some... get luckier! hehehe

"good vibes"

i will surely be smiling til new year. yes, not this new year but the next.

year-enders...year-starters...11 friends...continuously...on two occassions...that's day and mostly nights...locations unlikely...good conversations, good vibes.

my wandering has brought me yet another amazing episode. started earlier than usual. 2 bar/resto in 1 corner. 2 friends per bar/resto. a number of acquaintances, familiar or otherwise. laughing the whole time. soccer dude and a big turn-off. shut up. reminiscing. listening to great music. and accidentally singing in front of a crowd. don't know why, sway, to be with you.

i'm having the time of my life. in fact, this is the time of my life.

*separate your pinky & ring finger from your middle & index finger in open-faced palm. to form the letter V. yeah, you got it right. then, give a smug smile. yeah. good vibes!

"white flag"

one of my friends called me in my time of need. panic rushing, i was about to do something i haven't done in a while. something i refuse to do.

later in the day, i sent a message. i said "i hope to see you soon. i get the feeling i had to do something some time. and so far, you're the only one who almost made me..."

meeting in smiles and greeting with hugs, i finally did what i had anticipated. i cried.

bravery does indeed require some degree of ignorance.

wandering

i've been dating a number of my friends for the past couple of days to end the passed year in earnest and start the year in earnest.

my second date and i found ourselves riding through streets we usually did not take in joyrides we have done before. and yet, we are going somewhere we have already gone to. and somewhere in the middle of suddenly turning left in a street behind a mall, we realized we were facing counterflows head-on. was this made a one-way street? finding no cars in front and no cars behind didn't help at all. reaching a flyover still alive, we knew we used to take roads other than these. did you feel the rush? we felt the rush and laughter ensued. *sigh

after the fifth date, in between drinking iced tea, smoking, being seduced by vittoria vetra, and taking a dump, i realized i was some where strangely familiar but definitely foreign. riding a jeepney hours later, i knew this wasn't the first time i've been there. it was just the first time i moved in that direction.

whatever happened to my towels?

Rerun

there are two states of man: love and a call for love. it is with the latter that requires more bravery.

- from Everwood

some people may say i am brave, some may say i'm pathetic. either way, i don't know how to stop myself from waiting for some sort of miracle. i hear it happens everyday. in millions maybe. without any of us even noticing it. did we, ever?

my friend told me it's so infuriating to think that some men have 2, 3, maybe even 4 women all at the same time. he says he's not asking for 2 or 3 or 4. he wants just one. just one...

if i can't have the one i truly love, can he have his, instead? one of us is bound to get hurt, so they say. i think that's a load of crap. two of us is bound to be genuinely and truly happy. and if other miracles happen at the same time, 2 is such a small number.

how can i be so sure there is one who will truly love me, you ask. i say, because i know i can. truly love another. and how many people are there in the world? there must be at least one for each of us. but i'm not asking for 2 or 3 or 4. like my friend, i want just one. just one...

the chances are miniscule, said hugh grant. well, miniscule doesn't diminish the fact that there is a chance.

forgive me but i am as bound to hope as much as i am bound to my breathing. and love, i don't ask anything of you. i just wish you are genuinely happy. and i've been praying that you are truly loved. i am specifically waiting for that miracle.

some people may say i am brave, some may say i'm pathetic. either way, i don't know how to stop myself from waiting for some sort of miracle. i hear it happens everyday. may we all have eyes to see it all more clearly this coming year.

4 weddings and a slow death.

what a year it has been...may we all face the coming year with our head high and our spirits--higher. most bad things never last. and, with faith, hope, and love, some good things never fade.

"vulnerable"

I won't cry anymore, now that you've left me
I won't cry anymore, now that you're gone
I've shed a million tears since we're apart
But tears can never mend a broken heart

I won't sigh anymore, I'll just forget you
And I'm closing the door of memories
Though you're the one love that my arms are longin' for
This is goodbye, I won't cry anymore

- Marvin Gaye

unexpected sidewalk comfort

i just came out of the church. saw a very old (but still agile) man looking at me as i was walking towards him. could not discern his facial expression at first. suddenly, as i walk past him, he said,

"ang lungkot ng christmas natin, neng."

i paused. then looked back. and smiled. he was smiling at me.

"oo nga po, eh."

"ay talaga namang ang hirap ngayon..."

''gaganda din yan manong kasi pangit ngayon."

"dadating din...oo, tiis lang."

"hintay lang tayo manong."

hintay lang tayo, manong. salamat po.

WHENEVER YOU FEEL LOST... THIS IS THE POEM

In This Moment

In this moment,this precious, eternal
twinkling of an eye,
rests all of Heaven
waiting only for you to realize.
If you were meant to be someplace other than
where you are right now, this moment, you would be there now…

Instead, you are here- now.

How simple it all is-
this play of consciousness.
You are the storyteller, pen in hand,
you are the pages waiting to be filled,
you are casting yourself as the main character,
you have written the ending before ever beginning.

The road you are on is the right road.
If it were not, you would be traveling another.
Once you are silent and still and accept being here-
now,you are free to take any road you wish.

from the pages of Isiah knows nothing

una canción desesperada

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.

Escribir, por ejemplo: "La noche está estrellada,
y tiritan, azules, los astros, a lo lejos".

El viento de la noche gira en el cielo y canta.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Yo la quise, y a veces ella también me quiso.

En las noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos.
La besé tantas veces bajo el cielo infinito.

Ella me quiso, a veces yo también la quería.
Cómo no haber amado sus grandes ojos fijos.

Puedo escribir los versos más tristes esta noche.
Pensar que no la tengo. Sentir que la he perdido.

Oir la noche inmensa, más inmensa sin ella.
Y el verso cae al alma como al pasto el rocío.

Qué importa que mi amor no pudiera guardarla.
La noche está estrellada y ella no está conmigo.

Eso es todo. A lo lejos alguien canta. A lo lejos.
Mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Como para acercarla mi mirada la busca.
Mi corazón la busca, y ella no está conmigo.

La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos árboles.
Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.
Mi voz buscaba el viento para tocar su oído.

De otro. Será de otro. Como antes de mis besos.
Su voz, su cuerpo claro. Sus ojos infinitos.

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,
mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,
y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

-Pablo Neruda

what is so great about love? i can never explain. but reading this poem again makes me certain-- love does transcend language.

if only i knew how that can be done...

almost, but not quite

i almost forgot what it's like to feel alive again. i almost forgot what it was i strongly believed in coming back here in the city where i've now spent most of my life in. i almost forgot most of the things in my life that are really worth living for. i almost forgot to keep holding on to my faith. i almost forgot about the only person who can really make me happy. and i almost forgot to take care for her. most of all, i almost forgot to dream.

i almost gave in to a gnawing disappointment. and i almost gave up. i'm not about to let that happen again.

they say in these situations, one can never have a graceful exit. let me prove you otherwise.

i don't know where i'm going. but i'm on my way. for all we know, i'm there all ready. almost.

just you wait. just you wait.

in a state of "emotional drunkenness"

(as jhera puts it)

"you don't have to think about love-- either you feel it or you don't."